Friday, September 7, 2012


Lately I've been wanting to disappear. Like just fade away and never come back. As hard as I try at times to be the person I am and not worry about the ups and downs of what life brings I do. I try not to care about being what other people may say or think but I do. I loose and gain friends just to loose and gain more friends. I even meet people just to never hear from them again. Trying to not fit in the box has almost created a complex of wanting to fit in the box.

 Being who you are and the person who you want to be has (in an indirect way) pushed me in a corner of not even wanting to be around others. I hate the sense of acting like you are having a good time or enjoying the company of others when in fact it makes me sick to my stomach because I know (or feel most of the time anyway) that many of the people I see on a regular only interact with me because I'm benefit to them. They are not genuine at all and when I become used and abused all they are going to do is go find someone else. I look at them some time and really just want to slap the shit out of them or really just tell them to take a long walk off a short cliff. 

I feel alive in a dead place at times and often want to become the "invisible man" but still want people to see me. I put on different masks everyday just to make it through the day just to get back to the place where I feel at peace... alone in my own space. I've tried to let people in and it almost works out or I almost feel like this could work but... it seems like something always happens or it really is just me in the box that I have directly and indirectly put myself in away from everyone and everything... just for the moment.  Doesn't matter if it is someone or something mentally it has become easier to just runaway.

I don't really want to feel like this I mean who would. I do think that if I don't recognize that somewhere in my life I have been broken that this going back and forth with myself will eventually have an impact on me (it already has but I'm trying to fix it) and being alone will become permanent. I do embrace who I am and all the imperfections that I have. I also know that there is some good in me, I am good for something, (and someone) and I do know that God put me here for a reason. 

Today was just one of them days where I took a look at my life, where I am, where I want to go, and where I want to be through the eyes of the world I live in. Disappearing or running away would be a quick fix and I probably would be missed. Maybe that is just it... Wanting to truly hear how people really feel about you even when you say you really don't care but really do. I don't know or maybe I do. Hope you understand and I hope I understand too!