The Message 2013

A new year has started and we all  here. Some people we know and loved made it to see 2013 and others have fallen off each of our own personal wagons. As we start to make resolutions, promises we don't keep, and other things we all do at the start of a new year and as I tried to think of something to write nothing came to mind.

I've read other blogs, articles, books, and even post and everyone has an answer or suggestion for what to do this year. Everything from how to save money, love, life, and relationships. Seems like at the start of a new year we all want to start "something new" and make drastic improvements in our lives.

We all have these profounds quotes and words that are shred via e-mail and social networks. We have great ideas and plans that we start the 1st of the year. We even look at our friend and associates and see who we should keep around (well at least for this year until the next year comes around). I'm just as guilty as the next person. Every year at the end of an old one and start of a new one I say I'm going to do this and that or this person isn't really my friend, I take a look at my bank account, my personal relationships with people, with God, I mean the list goes on and on.

I have come to realize that  you have to be who you are. You have to make the changes in your life and you shouldn't have to wait on a new year to make those changes. People, places, relationships, money, goals, dreams, whatever it is you have to get off ya ass and GO! You have to stop listening to people and listen to yourself. No blog (not even mine), post, book, or article, can help with fixing your life. The only person who can do that is you. You have to be pro-active and put forth some effort in changing your life.

It's been a long time coming but I know a change gone come and I promise you that is the last time I'm going to say that. I'm just going to go... not for you or them but for me. Be who you are and do what you want because in the end they only put one person in the casket.

I Use To Love H.E.R.

Before I knew who she was I use to love H.E.R.

I thought that because everyone had one or was talking about one I should have H.E.R.

I thought that letting her hold my CD player would keep H.E.R.

All it did was make the other guy like H.E.R. more when she let him take mine home.

I loved H.E.R. again when she was something I wasn't use to. My same age but some older experiences made H.E.R. very special to me in a short period of time. I tried to make H.E.R. day by trying to compete with all the other older guys she had been with.

 I tried to keep H.E.R. attention by walking her to class and even riding my bike to H.E.R. house just to sit on the porch. I told H.E.R. that I loved H.E.R. and then we started to make out in H.E.R. car. 

A couple of weeks later while riding my bike to H.E.R. house I saw her sitting in the car with the other older more experienced guy.  Guess that was H.E.R. way of saying my bike wasn't big enough for H.E.R.

Around the same time that ended I saw H.E.R. She was the the total opposite of what I've had been with before. A young, fresh, and new H.E.R. that nobody knew. I saw H.E.R. and she saw me. This time I took my time because I wanted H.E.R. to see who I really was and not what she had heard. 

This was it (I thought). 

Until I saw H.E.R. 

Then I saw H.E.R, H.E.R, H.E.R. and H.E.R and...

The next time I saw H.E.R a lot had change. I knew a little bit more of what I wanted H.E.R. to be. I had it all mapped out. I even went to one of those cheesy spots in the mall and laid away a ring. It was all good until I met H.E.R. 

We worked at the same place and it was great. Seemed like everyone knew H.E.R and I were an item. We were the talk of the town until I saw H.E.R. 

I was a mess. 

I had H.E.R. and wanted H.E.R. Why couldn't I have both? 

Why couldn't I have been honest and loyal to H.E.R. 

Don't know if it was because H.E.R. and I had a physical connection that was unparalleled or the fact the H.E.R and I stopped having sex in hopes of H.E.R. and I getting married. Me, H.E.R, and H.E.R. were all on different pages.

Even my mother told me to leave H.E.R. alone and get back with H.E.R. I should have listened but...

Then I met H.E.R.

I never knew anyone like H.E.R. 

I thought I had met Eve. She took all that I had in me out and showed me how good I was and how good I could be.

Confident, beautiful, strong, outspoken, passionate, driven, beautiful smile, and on H.E.R. worst day she could make the devil smile. H.E.R. and I could do nothing and it would mean the world to us both. H.E.R. entire being encompassed my every breath. We were without trying. 

Even my H.E.R. and H.E.R. husband couldn't stop what H.E.R. and I had. We were truly one. Unfortunately H.E.R. and I had to end.

Now I'm here still praying, living, and looking for H.E.R. 

I've ran into H.E.R. from time to time only to lose H.E.R. again. It probably was for the best. 

Maybe it was Karma reminding me of H.E.R. and how I treated H.E.R. back then. 

Maybe it was H.E.R. way a letting me know that I still have somethings to work on. 

Maybe it was H.E.R. and I just wasn't ready.

I think about H.E.R. everyday and moment God gives me on this earth. 

I want to meet H.E.R.

I want to miss H.E.R.

I want to surprise H.E.R.

I want to hear H.E.R.

I want to listen to H.E.R.

I truly want to be ready for H.E.R.

I truly want to be with H.E.R.

I want to love H.E.R. and be in love with H.E.R.

As soon as I know who she is.

And I Wonder...

Instructions: Ask yourself these questions. There is no right or wrong answer only truth.

1. Are you holding on to an old thing that is preventing you from obtaining something new?

2. Are you hopes and dreams of the future slowed down by the hopes of something in your past?

3. Can you truly really let someone or something go?

4. Ever feel like you are not where God wants you to be yet?

5. Do you question yourself and God?

6. Ever feel like some people just waste your time?

7. When was the last time you checked your friends?

8. Are the relationships that you have with people adding or subtracting from your life?

9. Was your last relationship worth it?

10. If you could go back and ______________________ would you?

11. Have you ever felt like you were just "a thing" or "something to do" for or to someone?

12. Have you ever really lived with no regrets?

13. As much as things change do you find yourself back doing the same thing over and over again?

14. Are you alive in a dead place?

15. Could you have done without meeting some people in your life?

16. If life was easy could you enjoy life?

17. If failure is not an option why do we have to be reminded?

18. When was the last time you were scared?

19. When was the last time you jumped?

20.  What if you knew the next 10 years of your life?

21. Are your dreams a snapshot of the reality you want or a crazy fantasy that you need?

22. Can you have everything and nothing at all.

23. Have you ever just let go and tried not to live?

24. Does everything always have to workout?

25. Why___________________________________________?

Don't know where these questions came from but sometimes when you talk to your "other self" you wonder. The questions always seem to change as well as the answers but I guess that is life. It always seems to be something. Even at your funeral when it is all said and done it starts over again. The "it" being trying to find the answer to the question as well as starting your other life. I mean how great would it be to ask yourself a question and truly know that the answer is... THE ANSWER! Only to find out that after the answer there probably is another question.

Maybe I over think everything! Maybe I should take my own advice (really how many of us do that). How often do you ask yourself questions? Do you ever wonder or question the stuff that for years you were told not too? Are you just following a plan or map given to you from someone else that was given to them from someone else that got it from... you know what I'm saying. Is it wrong for wanting to know the answers or is it designed for us to question and keep searching? I don't know and guess what... neither do you. If we are lucky enough we are given a gift the next day to try to find the answers or ask more questions and for that we should  dance!

#DatIshKray

Magic

Lately I've been wanting to disappear. Like just fade away and never come back. As hard as I try at times to be the person I am and not worry about the ups and downs of what life brings I do. I try not to care about being what other people may say or think but I do. I loose and gain friends just to loose and gain more friends. I even meet people just to never hear from them again. Trying to not fit in the box has almost created a complex of wanting to fit in the box.

 Being who you are and the person who you want to be has (in an indirect way) pushed me in a corner of not even wanting to be around others. I hate the sense of acting like you are having a good time or enjoying the company of others when in fact it makes me sick to my stomach because I know (or feel most of the time anyway) that many of the people I see on a regular only interact with me because I'm benefit to them. They are not genuine at all and when I become used and abused all they are going to do is go find someone else. I look at them some time and really just want to slap the shit out of them or really just tell them to take a long walk off a short cliff. 

I feel alive in a dead place at times and often want to become the "invisible man" but still want people to see me. I put on different masks everyday just to make it through the day just to get back to the place where I feel at peace... alone in my own space. I've tried to let people in and it almost works out or I almost feel like this could work but... it seems like something always happens or it really is just me in the box that I have directly and indirectly put myself in away from everyone and everything... just for the moment.  Doesn't matter if it is someone or something mentally it has become easier to just runaway.

I don't really want to feel like this I mean who would. I do think that if I don't recognize that somewhere in my life I have been broken that this going back and forth with myself will eventually have an impact on me (it already has but I'm trying to fix it) and being alone will become permanent. I do embrace who I am and all the imperfections that I have. I also know that there is some good in me, I am good for something, (and someone) and I do know that God put me here for a reason. 

Today was just one of them days where I took a look at my life, where I am, where I want to go, and where I want to be through the eyes of the world I live in. Disappearing or running away would be a quick fix and I probably would be missed. Maybe that is just it... Wanting to truly hear how people really feel about you even when you say you really don't care but really do. I don't know or maybe I do. Hope you understand and I hope I understand too!

#DatIshKray

Red Tube

How do you know when enough is enough? Is the safety word really safe? Are we just programmed to think and feel that we have to live up to some supernatural expectations in all that we do? I don't know
what it is but after a few views of RedTube I began to wonder.

Before you go thinking crazy (yes it has bee a while but that is not my point) think for a second what is created in a porno. A fantasy created with an almost perfect world. A bunch of hot steamy sex filled with everything from moans and groans, erotic positions, people, length of time (come on you know you think about going as long as your favorite porn star or it may just be me) and even toys! Directly and indirectly I think we all think about it.

I may have watched to much but I began to look at the attention to detail that the actors and actresses pay to each other. They pay attention to everything that happens in the "flick". For a moment I thought about it and wanted that same attention that is given and received in the porno. It seemed like from one position to the next everything was important. From the moans and groans to every hand movement and gyration things seemed calculated and precise.

Even though it was scripted for the sake of the film it really made me think...

Ok after I finished watching a couple I began to think... Does everyone want to be a porn star?

In life I believe you must find some connection with all that you do. Doesn't matter if it is your job or with someone in a relationship you have to find a connection. You have to find something that will keep you going. You have to find someone that will keep you going. You have to find that one thing that besides breathing you can't live without. 

There may be some exceptions (Like if you were in the latest Debbie does Dallas porno) but in the end there has to be a difference in doing something, something to do, and wanting to do something because everyone is doing it. You can't get caught up in just doing something and not having any connection. You will only waste your time and your performance probably won't be as great as Mason Moore or Mr. Marcus. 

Being in a relationship, on the job, sex, and even just living you have to be connected. The challenge is that the things you do may stay the same but your connections will almost be different every time. You can get married but the connection with your wife/husband could be different. You can get a new job and the people you work with will have a different connection. A porn star can have a bunch of sex everyday with different people and their connection will almost always be different.

 When you find that connection it will be a time like no other. That connection will be so unique that the disappointments will be embraced. The relationship you will have with your "connection" will have no boundaries. It will be free and one that the both of you can't wait to replay over and over again. I believe your connection spiritually and mentally will be tremendously better as well. I believe the connection that you have is directly connected with the passion that you have for what you do or who you are with. Even the home movies you made and tried to sell will be a sight to see or you'll make a bunch of money and be famous.

Whatever your connection is find a connection, stay connected, be true to who you are, hold on and don't let go. Have no regrets and do what feels good. If you do all of that and find someone who it is always good with make a movie everyday for the rest of your life. 

#DatIshKray

The Truman Show

Every felt like you were just living on a TV show? I mean like really just felt like you were playing a role or character on one of those reality television shows (don't know if that is a good thing these days) and it is a marathon showing? I'm sure if you could star and direct the show you wouldn't mind but how much fun would that be?

Imagine for a second if you had theme music when you woke up, an audience to laugh and cry, cameras every where you go, and even a co star... Wait don't we have that already?

I do think sometime that we just live and don't enjoy life. Not all the time but sometimes you get that flat line feeling... The feeling of nothing.

You almost feel like your role on the show is less important and just being on the show is good enough. You feel like no matter what you do you are always on camera. Always being watched and judged. Always having to be a certain way in this scene and that scene. Always putting on a show and never cutting the cameras off.

What if for one day you turned the cameras off? What if for one day you did the opposite of what people expected? What if you woke up and  enjoyed your job or really told someone how you really felt? What if all the tweets, and wall posts didn't matter? What if what happened yesterday stayed in yesterday? What if when you cut the cameras off and looked in the mirror you saw who you really were and not the role you play everyday?

We all fall short and at times get caught up in "the world" hell we are human. The wonderful think about life is that once you realize you are really on a TV or reality show and see the cameras you can stop acting and start living. A hard a difficult thing to do but a relief and realization that can't be replaced. I hope you understand... I hope I do too.

WTH, SMH, FML, & FU

I'm not blaming myself anymore! I'm not the issue! I'm not the reason why I am alone or unhappy. I'm not going to point fingers at myself! I'm not going to be a second option for someone when I'm good enough to be the option. I'm not going to be the person people expect me to be anymore! I'm no longer going to try to mend broken hearts! I'm not going to hang myself out to dry! I'm not going to let my circumstance impact my success! 

I'm sick and tired of being a secret to people! I'm tired of knowing I deserve better! I'm tired of hoping people will understand me. I'm tired of always explaining! I'm tired of being just a thought to someone when I deserve to be a breath. I'm tired of being empty! I'm tired of people talking and not doing! I'm tired of people being tired when they really haven't done any work! I'm tired of people questioning the person I have become! 

I won't let you steal my joy anymore! I won't let you get in my head and control my thoughts! I won't let the devil win! I won't let you destroy the person I became to be! I won't let you block my blessing! I won't be the person your comfortable with! I won't cry because of you! I won't let your life become my life. I won't let you kill my spirit! I won't continue to be alive in a dead place. I won't waste time wasting it with you!

I will continue to pray! I will be the person that God has destined me to be! I will take one step so God can take two! I will continue to love hard! I will make mistakes! I will forgive! I will cry! I will find Eve! I will live and enjoy the gift of life God has given me! I will believe that God is faithful! I will do what others say can't be done! I will get hurt! I will heal! I will continue to be a great example for my seed! I will continue to feel! I will be passionate! I will continue to try! I will feel! I will be free! I will TTYL8r! I hope you understand. #DatIshKray